First published on TweakIndia.com, June 2024
“You’re home all day doing nothing?”
As I lay on the sofa with my toddler napping on my chest, I harked back to what a random aunty asked me the evening before: “So you didn’t go back to work after your baby was born? You’re home all day doing nothing?” Sure, if planning multiple meals a day, changing diapers, doing pick-ups and drop-offs for school, reading and planning activities or playdates, supervising outdoor playtime, and doing bathtimes and bedtimes apart from all the other mental, physical and emotional load a woman takes on is ‘doing nothing’, then yes, I guess you’re right – is what I wanted to tell that lady but chose to be the bigger person and just smiled and waved goodbye instead, before getting home to have an emotional breakdown in private.
Even before I learnt how babies are made, I wished to be only two things: a mom and a writer. Today, I’m a full-time stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and part-time freelance writer. I feel privileged to have been able to pursue both my dreams, but boy, was I in for a surprise when I brought home that tiny human I made.
I didn’t realise that something as simple as zero adult interaction through the week, coupled with regulating my own emotions around the baby, could, on some days, drive me to the doors of insanity. I’ve even video-called my parents, who live 30 minutes away, just to have a normal face-to-face conversation instead of arguing with a howling 2-year-old about why a banana mistakenly broken in half is still edible. Getting no holidays (even on vacation), tea breaks, or just a full night’s sleep for months on end can lead to severe mental burnout. I learnt this only when I was in the thick of it all. And when I’ve been told by annoying aunties that staying home with my baby must be “so pleasurable” or that I “do nothing” because I don’t bring home a stable income, it made me question both my choice to be a full-time parent and my self-worth.
If it weren’t for my family’s support — who extend a helping hand and positive words whenever I need them — my mental health would have tanked by now. And the more stay-at-home moms I speak to, the more I realise I’m not alone – we just don’t talk about this enough.
“Stay-at-home-mom depression is real. Most women lose their self-worth. They get caught up in the mundane tasks of daily life, leading to a loss of confidence and loneliness. The notion that staying at home means relaxing is what makes it worse for many stay-at-home moms,” says Shreya Mitra, a 32-year-old content creator and maternal mental health advocate from Jamshedpur.
A lawyer by qualification, Mitra was unable to find work when she moved to Jamshedpur post-marriage and became a SAHM due to circumstances, not by choice (she’s not alone). “I’m someone who hated being a SAHM till I gradually learnt to value it. The lack of appreciation may make you feel invisible, but you have to see that you matter,” she explains.
And that’s the hard part for most stay-at-home parents.
A fellow SAHM at my son’s playschool, Mumbai-based Sakina Merchant, is a chartered accountant who worked at a top accounting firm before her daughter was born. She quit during her pregnancy and hasn’t ever regretted her decision, even when others tried pulling her down. “I’ve heard ‘you are wasting your degree’ multiple times. However, I believe that if you are not involved in your child’s formative years, then it’s a loss. Now, when people see the person my daughter has blossomed into, they find it difficult to fault me on my decision to become a SAHM,” Merchant says with pride.
After all, numerous studies, leading psychologists and psychological theories, like Albert Bandura’s social learning theory and Jean Piaget’s theory of cognitive development in children, point to parents as our first teachers. Babies and toddlers learn more from what they see than what we tell them, and this includes how their parents are treated.
As counselling psychologist Tanya Vasunia explains, “Unfortunately, society places high value on financial success. This results in stay-at-home moms feeling like they aren’t contributing enough to the family unit. Sadly, many spouses hold similar beliefs. This can have a negative impact on stay-at-home moms and trigger depression and anxiety. The truth is, parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world and it’s impossible to put a monetary value on it. Mothers who are struggling with this need to find an encouraging support system.”
This job becomes harder for those doing this without full-time help. Living by a child’s schedule, supporting their emotions, and being their guiding light as they figure out the world around them – it’s hard, invisible labour that doesn’t bring home a salary. For many stay-at-home moms, trusting other people with your child, even for a few hours of peace, is an internal battle. I’ve sometimes hesitated to leave my son with his own father for fear of my separation anxiety kicking in. But it’s necessary. “The expectation for you to handle the house along with your child in a specific manner is tough. There are times when it gets overwhelming and I have outbursts. But now I’ve learnt to recognise the signs and ask my husband to step in before I reach the end of my line,” explains Merchant.
I, too, have learnt that you can’t pour from an empty cup, and it’s only through true mental peace that we can raise healthy, happy children. I’ve started relying on my proverbial village more – including lovely neighbours who dote on my son – and asking for help when needed. Days when I’m at my parents’ house are my favourites, mostly when I know I can have a semblance of a writing career. I eagerly wait for my husband to get home from the office at the end of the day so that he can bond with his son. I love it when he does storytime before lights go off, so I get five free minutes to just lie in bed. I try to take time out for myself, especially on weekends when my husband can take over for a few hours so I get two hours to catch up on my favourite show or simply read a book in undisturbed silence. Stay-at-home moms need to remember who they were before having children and not completely lose themselves in motherhood.
Merchant resonates the same thought: “Four months after my delivery, I still had postpartum depression and spoke to my gynaecologist. She told me to prioritise myself in order to take better care of my child. So now, I’m revisiting things I loved doing before becoming a mom like watching movies in the theatre. My husband and I very recently went for our first movie together, 2.5 years after having our baby, and honestly it felt amazing!”
How else can stay-at-home moms pride themselves on the work they do? “I ask my clients to journal everything they do in a day. This documentation helps them acknowledge the impact they have on the family unit,” advises Vasunia. Both she and Mitra have the same tips for moms who must learn to prioritise themselves – exercise, take out even 15 minutes a day to do something that makes them happy, meditate, seek therapy if needed, and get out of the house whenever possible.
As Vasunia aptly concludes, “Being a SAHM is a challenging job, especially in today’s world that doesn’t support unpaid labour. Historically, women have struggled to be valued and it’s ironic that no matter how far we come, the goal post keeps changing.”
This is what I’ll remember the next time my child chooses to nap on my chest, the safest place in his world. Parents everywhere are working parents – it’s time the world realises this about the ones who stay at home too.
Huzan Tata 